Tag Archives: pursuit of motherhood perfection

The Looks

When I was younger,  I wasn’t afraid of very much.  I often found myself on stage dancing freestyle to the intermission music in plays and Christmas programs.  I wanted to dance, and was encouraged and allowed by my parents to express myself.  As a mother now, I wonder if my parents ever had moments of concern or embarrassment. They never showed it.  But still….

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Sidekick 1 wanted to do the County Fair Talent show.  She has talked about it all year, but when I asked her to practice or prepare she flat-out refused.  She insisted she would be fine.

Thinking of the event, the many spectators, and the idea of my daughter not winning a ribbon stuck in my mind.  Would she be embarrassed if she was the only one not prepared,  would I?  Would she be upset if she didn’t win a ribbon and the other kids did?  Finally I tried to encourage her to back out of the competition and proceed with life as normal. (not my proudest mom moment) This stubborn sidekick of mine again refused.  Instead she gave me what I wanted and danced in the basement the entire time to the song that she had selected.  “Hey Mickey.”  She’s darling. So I did what any mother would do and tailored her costume, helped her get it just how she wanted it to be and told her I was proud and that she was amazing!

I still worried, would the crowd get to her?  Would she be sad if she didn’t win?

The night of the talent show this sweet and spicy little sidekick of mine took the stage.  Smile on her face, eye contact with the crowd and a consistent flow of movement and shakes all across the stage.  My cup of pride ran over.  I was so incredibly proud of my brave little lady.  Oh,  how I love her and need her energy in my life.


The best part-she was so proud too.  I may be biased, I may think there is a little favoritism in the judging but my four-year old little girl had more stage presence and confidence than any child that took the stage that night.  Her routine was not choreographed, but she looked at the audience, not a teacher…and she smiled.  She didn’t win.  She noticed that others got ribbons and their pictures taken and that she did not.  This made her sad.  It made me sad.  I know that children need to learn that they won’t always win, but I sure wanted my little sidekick to win this one (and everyone).  She then looked at the participation certificate in her hand and said, “but I got the gold star.”  I replied, “you sure did, and it says shining star and that’s the best of the best.”

She’s proud of herself.  She doesn’t feel embarrassed with her own choreography. She just loves to dance, loves to perform, and loves herself.  The audience loved her.  I was so proud. I don’t know if I could do it anymore, I wonder if I could ever get that confidence and lack of caring for the looks that others might give me back.  The very thought scares me.  I wonder, exactly when do we lose that spark in life? When do the looks add up?

Anyone want to do a talent show next year? Let’s take our confidence back!

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The Sacrifice

I had a few compliments from friends that outweighed some recent expressed concerns from others about the way I am raising my kids.  I admit, my kids may be a little spoiled.  Not so much with things, but with my time and attention. Not every minute of every day is filled with fun and games (even though social media often may show differently).  We live a very real life with real expectations.  Allow me, however, to defend myself and my position from my point of view.

When I left work and chose to be a stay at home mom, this decision was not for me.  No I didn’t want to miss out on my children’s life, that’s true, but I did love my job and the people who I worked with.  I chose to stay at home for my children.  I sacrificed my career, much of my social life, and the part of my life that really made me feel proud of my accomplishments.  I sacrificed.

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When I made this sacrifice I also made a commitment to myself.  If I am giving up so much of me, I am going to do everything I can to be great at it.  I owe myself that.  This isn’t just about them. I want to feel pride in what I do too.  I made a commitment that I would do something fun everyday.  It doesn’t have to be big, maybe it’s just a game of ball with my boy and a game of Barbie’s with my girl.  Sometimes, it may be a tree picnic or a day at the zoo.  One thing every day.  Why?  Because it’s my reward.  Not just for them, but it ensures that I get to see pure joy and happiness at least one time a day.  Plus, it allows me to do things that make me feel young.  I enjoy it too.

I may not be the perfect mom.  We don’t always do fun things.  My kids have chores and have to clean up after themselves.  They often play alone and sometimes they are even pulled from a dance recital because they failed to listen and be respectful to their teacher.  I am purely doing the best that I can, not just for them, but because I sacrificed so much-I deserve to do my best everyday at what I chose.

It’s my personality, maybe,  but I think they deserve it and so do I.  I wouldn’t make a different choice.  I am so blessed to be with them everyday.  For my blessing I say thanks in time.

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Mischievous Mom Moments

Many things took place within the space of two weeks.  I lost my mother, Mother’s day, and her birthday (Happy Birthday Today Mom).  I don’t want to mope, so instead, I thought I would share some humorous thoughts that I learned about my mom after her passing, that I really wish I could call and laugh with her about.  I think most mom’s will get this.


Nap time is not for the child. It’s for the mother.   No wonder she forced me to “take a rest” long after I ever slept.  Much needed time for a stay at home mom.  Recharge so I can return to the World’s Most Okay-est Mom Status.

That candy did not get thrown out-You ate it.  You Liar you.  I laugh now, so I know it is not a long-term damaging lie, which means I can use it with my own children, and I will.

Fixing a child’s hair is no easy task.  I now feel for all the times you told me to hold still and focus.  I understand the week you let me do my own hair as a child to see if it was worth it (backfired a little, I though my scraggly hair was great).  I now wonder if the time you dripped wax from my eyebrow onto my eyelashes (leaving a huge space afterward) was actually a retaliation for my behavior.  I am considering it myself even now and she is only four.

-It’s the littlest things that make a mom proud.  Moments only a mom can love.  The first violin recital, dance recital, or singing event.  A poop in a potty or at least close.  A hug and a kiss at an unexpected moment.  Or the first page of a first book “Pie went up the hill and met a horse and a mermaid.”  It’s amazing.  We mom’s love some pretty silly things, but it makes our hearts full.  You got it.  I know you did.

Asking a child to practice, almost makes lessons not worth it.  She’s my past coming back to haunt me-I know it.  Instead of playing the songs that are asked, she just wants to play her own. It’s like DeJa Vu.  How did you do it?

Having Multiple Personalities is hard work.  The time you put in to being the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy amazes me.  Sometimes I just want to tell them the truth, but no, you did it flawlessly. I just want to ask you, where you hid all the loot. I need ideas here.

When stopping to pee on a long road trip-it isn’t really always for the child. This mom bladder really sucks some days.  It’s just good I have tiny excuses, and I wonder how many times you used me.  Does it get better?

No no, it’s okay, I can run to the store.  It’s a getaway. Like a mini vacation in a busy week.  Even a busy store is slower than times at home. When the kids are with Dad, I will browse every aisle slowly as if there is something I must need.  List Schmist.  No wonder you liked trips to the store 45 minutes away.  Add a drive and it’s almost a day at the spa.

I’m a never-ending, cleaning, laundry, cooking, fixing, boo boo kissing and bandaging, horsey, ball throwing, diaper changing machine.  Sometimes that’s it.  But thrown in there, I’m also “Mama” the most loved lady in all the land.

When I open my mouth-sometimes I find you coming out.  Even the things I thought in my youth I would never do or say.  I realize as an adult that those were often the times that probably changed my future.  You were my mom first-always.  Sometimes it would be easier to just be the friend, “Nope that kids not mine-crazy parents” but you didn’t, and I won’t either.

I’m so proud you are my mom.  I wish we could laugh about this now.  I know there will be many more things that will make me laugh about you especially as I realize all the trickery that goes into being a Mom.  It’s hard word raising little people, but it’s a lot of fun too! Thank you! I am so glad you were born!


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A Day With An Angel


A Day With An Angel

I pick up the phone and dial your number

On this special day I always remember

I wish you would pick up the end of the line

So I could tell you how grateful I am that you’re mine

But all I have left of you now

Are the memories and lessons that you handed down

The pictures I have of your beautiful face

Are all memories now, another time, another place

I’d give almost anything to hug you once more

I wish there was a way to knock on heaven’s door

Just know that I love you my beautiful mom

And I’m very sad, that you are really gone

There are many who say you are always by my side

But I can’t see you, so I’m afraid you must hide

I wonder if somewhere there a magic concoction

A visit to heaven just might be an option

But until I find it, this will have to do

A make-believe day, just me and you

We’ll sit in the sun and drink our sweet tea

But when others will look, they’ll only see me

While you are dancing all around the moon

I will dance with you, in my living room

I’ll sit in the hot tub with my bottle glass of wine

And tell myself stories, “remember that time”

You take a ride on your horse to the sunset

I’ll tell my kids of the cowgirl they’ll never forget

We’ll talk about books and have a good time

Even though the only voice I’ll hear will be mine

But mostly I’ll cry and I’ll swallow my pain

Because I know on this earth I won’t see you again

I’ll forever enjoy these days with you, Mom

For inside my heart you’ll forever live on

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A Strong Woman

This Past weekend I had the honor of watching my sister Graduate from college.  I am so very proud of her and her accomplishment.  It was amazing to see her cross that stage and to watch the eyes of her children glimmer with pride.  I wrote this poem for her when her daughter was born and I think it resonates today as she shows her children what a strong woman and wonderful mother that she is.  Congratulations on your graduation Dear Sister!

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A Strong Woman Some Day

I’m having a girl, are you sure? Check again;

I said to the doctor one day.

Whatever am I to do with a girl;

I understand boys and their play.

I don’t understand dresses and curls,

Dolls and things that are pink.

Or what to do when my daughter’s makeup,

Takes up the whole bathroom sink.

I don’t fix cute hair with ribbons or bows,

Or even ponytail curls.

I don’t wear eyeliner or stuff on my lips,

I just don’t understand this about girls.

I know I’m a girl and I should understand,

But these things are not quite me.

If I raise a girl and she learns what I know,

These are the things she will be.

She will always be strong and stand up for herself

no matter  what the price.

She will make others laugh and have their back

And will always have plenty of “spice”.

She’ll fix her own walls, and tires and doors and,

Won’t have to ask for a hand.

She’ll depend on herself and she’ll do just fine

She won’t have to rely on a man.

She’ll believe she is strong and that she has worth,

In everything just because.

And sometimes she won’t and I’ll catch her fall,

See, that’s what a mother does.

She’ll know how to laugh and smile with joy,

And I’ll hug her and hold her each day.

So when she is older and these times are gone,

I will know that she heard me say:

I love you, my darling, my baby, my girl,

Thank you for choosing me.

You knew when I didn’t, how great I could be

Thanks for believing in your Mommy!

For you and your brother are my greatest gifts,

The blessing I feel every hour.

And to teach you to be a woman who’s strong,

I am your mother and I have that power.

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Let’s set the mood here with this one. I want you to watch this amazing video by the 2 Cellos.  Think back to the “good ole’ days” and sing along if you know the words, only this time, insert the word “Awkward” every time you usually say “Thunder”.  Mood set-for some of my greatest Mom moments.

2 Cellos

You’re feeling it now…Song playing over and over again in your head (your welcome).  Bouncing to the rhythm, inner dialogue taking place.  Your ready…proceed….

I have realized lately that maybe the greatest moments of motherhood exist not in the big decisions, i.e. what school for them to attend, or sport they should participate in,  but instead in the small every day situations.  Maybe it is in our everyday dealings that we craft our children to become what they are when they age.  I wonder…If I made different decisions, would they become different adults.  I digress.  Enjoy and I hope to all that is holy that I am not the only mom that thinks this way.

Those awkward moments of motherhood:

Situation: Tiny Sidekick Poops in the tub.  (it happens)

Inner Dialogue:  I wonder if I can hurry and get them washed before I drain the water and clean the tub?

Decision:  Fine…Kids out, tub washed, re-enter for an official butt washing and cleaning.  30 minutes of time wasted.


Situation:  Slightly bigger sidekick throwing medium sized tantrum in store aisle.  (I say medium because even the leg kicking, screaming at the top of lungs-doesn’t compare to some I have seen at home.)

Inner Dialogue: There is an emergency exit right there.  I can run out the door screaming “I wish someone would control their child” and make my way around the store to my car.

Decision:  Smile politely at all passerby’s while teaching a lesson, “we don’t get everything we want,” and “throwing a fit, won’t help you get more.”


Situation:  Tiny one decides for the third week in a row that 5:30 is the appropriate time to wake up.

Inner Dialogue:  If I close my eyes and pretend I don’t hear him, will he go back to sleep…no?….I wonder if I got a small mini fridge and stocked it with bottles, could he open it and help himself? (not those kind of bottles people-I do have a line)

Decision:  A grumpy wake-up to address tiny needs in a very big world.


Situation:  Running short on time, but really wanting to ensure children get a well balanced meal, unfortunately, the news and all my Facebook friends just informed me, that the microwave removes 90% of nutrients from food.

Inner Dialogue:  By giving them the microwave steamed broccoli they are still getting 10% more nutrients than they would otherwise.

Decision:  Dinner can wait….Oh, who am I kidding, Pampered Chef that broccoli baby.  We can’t be perfect.  Next time I will do better.


Situation: A day out where I know I will see people that I know.   Bigger Sidekick would really like to dress herself in pretty dress with checkered leggin’s and a super duper awesome bow!

Inner Dialogue:  She can’t go out in that.  People will think I don’t care.  Does she really think that looks good? Where do kids come up with this?  Actually those shoes do kind of sparkle like the bow, maybe it will work.  But the hero cape and mask..hmmm..Ugh.

Decision: Refuse to crush that tiny spirit inside.  “Rock it Princess.  Let that inner diva shine!”

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Situation: Tiny one poops, but I have just five minutes left of my show.

Inner Dialogue:  Nobody can smell it. He will be okay.  Does this make me a bad mom?  Why couldn’t you have waited oh tiny one?

Decision: Butts must be changed, but truly what is it with boys and poop?  Their timing…it’s crazy.


Situation:  Just 20 more minutes of work today and then we can enjoy our time, but kids are screaming in the background.

Inner Dialogue:  I started first thing this morning, so I could play with them.  Why can’t they just get along?  Maybe if I give them ice cream, unattended for breakfast, they will stop all this nonsense?

Decision:  Ice Cream. Clearly that was the right choice.


Situation: A quiet moment, while using the bathroom. Tiny hand sticking under the bathroom door waiting.

Inner Dialogue: I wonder how long I can milk this quiet time?  This chocolate bar is delicious, will they smell it on my breath?

Decision:  Shove chocolate in face, read last page of book and exit bathroom with a closed lip smile.  Pat child’s head on your way by.


Situation: Child screams bloody murder in the middle of the night.  They had a bad dream.

Inner Dialogue:  Someone is trying to steal them.  Bolt Upright and run to child’s bedside.  Child is crying and in tears about a bad dream they had.  Someone called them toothpaste face, it’s terrifying I am sure.  Please just buck-up buttercup and go back to sleep.  Mommy just fell asleep and is exhausted.  Can’t they do this on their own?

Decision:  “Come here honey.” Big Hugs!  Why don’t you paste your hot, constantly wiggling body to my side for the rest of the night so we can both get some deep fantastic sleep!  “Mommy Loves you!”


Situation:  My older niece and nephew and the epic battle of homework.  “Why do I have to learn this?  Why does it matter how I got the answer? This is how I think, why isn’t it right?”

Inner Dialogue:  Truly, you will never, ever use this in your whole adult life.  I have no idea how you got that, even if it is right.  Can I blame the common core? Everyone else does.  Most of school is really a waste, it’s the social part that really matters. Oh and the grades so you can get a scholarship and go to college so you can meet really great people (and/or get a piece of paper to help you get a better job-which is really-really important and will change your life).

Decision:  Encourage child to keep trying. “You may use this. How did your teacher show you to do it? Let’s do it that way.  That way you can get it right every time, not just this time when it happened to work out.”

It’s the tiny moments people. I am sure of it.  I may not always make the right decisions, but trying is half the battle right?  Please tell me you think this way.  Share with me your examples if you can. It will make me feel better and/or laugh my butt off.  I’m classy like that, really!

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Black Hawk Down

Yesterday, I had the stomach flu. I found myself slicing bananas for sidekicks lunch, hunched over because that is the only way I felt relief and feeling like every slice of the banana was like a slice through my very soul.  Over-dramatic? Yes.  Real. Yes, yes, yes!

Today, I think I might live.

A friend of mine recently had a four-day bout with strep. I think we both realized, on different levels, that mom cannot be sick.  It doesn’t matter how supportive and helpful your husband is-the kids still need Mom.  As endearing and lovely as it feels now, at the time, the small requests and battles are very overwhelming.


I didn’t get the day off.  Instead, I found myself laying on a blanket on the lawn or trampoline while the kids played outside.  Trying not to move on the couch watching as our toy room became ground zero, the kids watching far too much tv.

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I tried really hard to be gentle and loving, a good mom, but I fear I failed.  However, we made it. The kids are alive and well and incredibly happy to see mom her old self again today.

I would never venture to assume this battle is anything like that seen when an actual Black Hawk goes down, but in our little spot of the world, when mom gets sick, it feels very much that way.

But, as mom’s do, we get up anyway.  We make lunch, the kids still get a bath-or at least dressed-okay at least diapers get changed. Drinks get made, and kids still get hugs.  How we do it, I don’t know-but we do.  Being a mom is pretty powerful stuff.  It gives me power I never knew I had.

I also realized my sidekicks love me quite a bit.  They were awesome yesterday!  So, for each and every mother-I send magical, powerful, immune increasing fairy dust-cause being sick-well, it just can’t happen.

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God Don’t Make No Mistakes

My daughter was born with a cleft lip.  When I found out, I was terrified.  It was the unknown and the concern for her happiness, not just her health that kept my heart in my throat for months.  I am embarrassed to admit that I found myself asking, “Why her? Why me? Why us?”  It was so huge.

I am now on the other side, and here, I carry power.  The power of knowledge that everything is going to be okay.  That we can do this! But in that moment, before the knowledge, I doubted my own strength.  There was a time though, that I finally realized something amazing.  “God Don’t Make No Mistakes.”


I have a very dear friend that is going through something very similar right now, only bigger.  She is such an amazing soul.  She has been my friend forever, from the time we were in diapers.  I love her.  It is through her that my message has truly been confirmed.

She, I will call her Tammy,  was always the person that chose others before herself.  She was always kind even when she didn’t agree.  She was one of the first to call me and check in after Sidekick 1 was born and always has kind words of encouragement.  When we had different friends and different groups, I could still call her my friend and I know she would agree.  She has friends for days with good reason.  She is beautiful and smart-the whole package.  Why her?  Why her baby?

Life isn’t fair.  But one thing I know for certain is that her baby is one lucky little angel.  What better place for that child to be than in the arms of my friend Tammy?

Through her, my friend, and the angel my life has already been touched.  What an amazing soul.  Thank you for reminding me.

I may not be perfect. I may have some bad days mixed in with the good.  I may doubt myself and my ability to be the best mother for my children.  Sometimes I may find myself asking the question, “why me?” when things get hard.  I am realizing even more every day though that I was made just for my children.  Every choice, action, and even hardship has made me the person and mother that I am.  I am one of God’s perfect choices.  I was made to be the mother of my children and that is powerful.  It is with great honor that I say, “Thank you for choosing me.”

My friend Tammy: There would be no better place. I believe that.  I’m here for you.

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ABC’s and 123’s for my Children

As a second installment to my at home ABC’s, the framework for so much in learning.  I created the ABC’s  and 123’s for my Children.


Always be you

Believe in yourself

Create your own luck

Dream big

Everyone has good in them, but if they aren’t good for you, love them from afar

Family first and Always

God loves you

Happiness comes from within

I Love You

Just because it didn’t happen the first time, doesn’t mean it won’t

Keep trying

Love yourself

Make good friends and keep good friends by being a good friend

Nobody matters more than you

Only you can make your dreams come true

Perfection doesn’t exist

Quit comparing yourself to others-you are your best you

Remember your worth

Sometimes life isn’t fair, you can do it

Try your best

Use your brain, and stay safe

Very special memories are often disguised as everyday moments-embrace them

When times are hard, call your mom. I will always be here for you.

X-tra special, that’s what you are

You are beautiful

Zero. The number of moments in a day I’m not thinking of and loving you.


1- thing per day for you, that makes you happy

2- times each day to tell someone else “You matter”

3- times each day to look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I matter”

See previous: My Motherhood ABC’s and 123’s


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My Motherhood ABC’s and 123’s

We are in preschool mode at our house. Seeing the ABC’s as the framework for so much, I started thinking about how they can guide me too.

From my Children to me, my Motherhood ABC’s.


Always be my friend. I know you are my mom, but be my friend too

Be there for me. No matter what, even when I am wrong.

Create with me.  Help my imagination grow.

Don’t forget yourself. I learn what life should look like by watching you.

Everyday matters. Help me see this.

Family first and always.

God loves me. God loves you.

Happiness comes from within. Then it shines out. Let yours shine.

I matter. So do you. I will believe I do, when I see you do.

Just because it didn’t happen this time, doesn’t mean it won’t.  Don’t you give up on your dreams either.

Kisses and Hugs show everyday love. I love them. Even when I grow older, keep trying, I will remember.

Let me grow.  Teach me right and let me go.

Making mistakes is a part of life.  Help me to learn and make better choices next time.

Never forget your are my mom.  Be my friend, but be my mom first.

One day at a time.  I am a work of art.  The Mona Lisa wasn’t painted in a day.

Perfection doesn’t exist.  It’s okay to make mistakes.

Quit trying to be like everyone else’s mom.  You are my mom for a reason and I need you just the way you are.

Read to me.  Lifelong lessons can be found in books, and the time spent together.

Smile when you feel it, and cry when you don’t.  Let your emotions show, so I will learn too that this is okay.

Tell me about when you were my age.  I want to be like you, show me that you were once like me.

Understand me.  Let me tell you about what I think too, then help me learn and grow.

Very special memories for me, are often disguised as everyday moments for you.  It’s the small things.

What matters most is time with you.  Not the prizes and toys, but time.

X-tra special, that’s what you are.  I love you and I think you are the very best in the whole wide world.

Yell less. Explain more.

Zero.  The number of times I haven’t been glad you are my mom.  Even if I say otherwise, I wouldn’t want any mom but you.


123’s Everyday

1– thing for you, as a person, to make you happy and whole

2– things for me, with you at my side, on my own level

3– chances to learn something new from you. The small things matter. Explain something I don’t understand. Teach me a new word or a new way of doing things.  Even if I don’t get it today, I might tomorrow.

(Coming soon-ABC’s and 123’s to my children)

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