M.A. BOX

The very first manuscript that I finished, I titled, 21 Steps.  It needs work, and I like to think that I have come a very long way.

Update: After planning to share the entire book here on the blog, I have been encouraged by a very wise woman, not to do so. She’s pretty smart, so I think I should listen-however, if you are interested in more, let me know!

Chapter 1

December 2008
Derrick Sterling sat on the edge of his bed in the middle of the night, knowing that tomorrow he would be in a jail cell and the view would be very different.  The light from the moon cast his shadow onto the floor below him.  His hands, with their long fingers and bluntly cut fingernails, were shaking as he made the loops with the dark gray shoelaces of his running shoes.  He was angry at himself and scared thinking of what had just taken place.  A single tear fell from his left eye and onto his cheek. He quickly wiped it away with his hand.  He knew what he needed to do and nothing was going to stop him this time.  He quietly exited his room and started down the stairs.  He nearly tripped and fell as he stepped over the one step that creaked and nearly missed the step below.  He caught himself against the wall where his elbow banged into the railing that sent a painful sensation up his arm.  He stood quietly hoping that it didn’t wake up his two sleeping sons or his parents who were staying in the nearby guest bedroom, from out of town.  He continued walking to the front door where he stopped and took a deep breath, then let it out, he repeated this over and over. All of the familiar scents of this place filled his nose.  He turned to take one last look at the place that he called home, thinking to himself that he may never see it again.  He took one more deep breath and turned to open the door.

As he opened the door a wave of cool winter air filled the room.  Derrick stepped out into the cold, descended his front steps and then began his journey down the cracked sidewalk, singing in his head “step on a crack and you’ll break your mothers’ back” out of habit, and he placed his left foot right on the center of a large vertical crack in the cement.  He could feel the frozen humidity as it bounced off his nose and teeth.  He was clothed in a worn out black t-shirt, jeans with a hole in the left knee, and pair of running shoes, but even with the frigid temperature he didn’t feel cold.  His eyes were open but his vision was blurred by the tears. He walked along the sidewalk moving away from his home toward the center of town. He couldn’t focus, he felt like he never would be able to again.  He passed a small Gas ‘n’ Go station on the corner of the street and could hear a couple arguing in their car parked by the pump.  The street light was bright as he passed underneath it and he focused on his shadow.  He noticed how dark it was, and how lifeless it seemed.  He thought to himself maybe that was what his soul looked like too, dark and lifeless.  He pushed the thumb nail on his left hand into his index finger just to see if he could feel it.  Maybe if he could just make it hurt enough it would take away the pain he felt inside.  But he pushed enough to break the skin, and he didn’t feel a thing.

He continued to walk, placing one unfocused and clumsy foot in front of the other, looking up at the moon that was a small sliver of light in the constant dark sky.  He couldn’t see very many stars out tonight, so he again focused on the darkness, thinking that maybe it might represent something.  He tripped on a crack in the sidewalk, he tried to steady himself, but fell to his hands and knees.  He tore the knee of his jeans further open, and made a small cut that ran a drip of dark red blood down his leg, but he couldn’t feel it, so he pushed himself up and just kept walking.  He just needed something, wanted something that could make him feel normal again.  Something that could help him sleep at night, help him to trust other people and to trust in himself. He wanted to feel like a normal person, he wanted to be anybody but Derrick Sterling.

He thought back to the last time that he had truly felt happy.  It was in the summer time and he and his family had left town to go camping and fishing.  He and his wife had loaded their two sons into the back seat of their brown station wagon that his mother had given to them after they got married. With his hands on the wheel they had driven over two hours, up the mountain.  His wife sat in the passenger seat her long brown hair covering her shoulders.  She looked so small with her big dark eyes set deeply into her face.  If you didn’t know her, you would think her eyes always looked a little sad, but that’s just how they were and Derrick knew that, and loved that about her.

Their two boys were in the buckled tightly in the back seat of the car.  The baby was sleeping.  His head was rolled to the side and a small drip of drool was running down his check.  His other son was four years old at the time playing with a small blue truck in his lap, using his legs as roads and opening the doors and closing them again.  He was wearing a blue hat with a green truck on the front and his brown curly hair poked out in all directions under the bottom.  He had big dark eyes like his mothers, and they often looked at Derrick like he was the coolest person in the world.  They played games in the car, sang, and his wife read to them. They camped by a small river that cut through the mountains like a snake and when the sun reflected off the surface of the water it caused a sparkle like the surface was covered in diamonds. He remembered his son casting his red snoopy fishing pole into the water and waiting.  He was so impatient at first and wanted to catch one so badly.  He kept asking Derrick if he was doing it right and what he could do to catch one.  After a few times though, and encouraged patience by his father, he brought out his first fish.  Derrick’s wife cheered from the side of the river.  She was holding their other son tightly in her arms and feeding him a bottle.   At that moment he was truly happy, he felt normal, and felt that he had everything.

He snapped back to reality leaving the happy dream behind, and realized that he was not happy, he was not normal and that he needed help.  Picking up his feet again from where they had stopped he continued to walk through the town.  He had to shield his eyes with his hand as a car came down the road pointing their headlights right at him.  It passed by him but Derrick had to wait for his eyes to readjust to the darkness.  He continued on passing by the local grocery store, the clothing store, the pawn shop, and the bakery outlet.  He could see his destination up ahead and he continued to move forward putting one running shoe in front of the other.

The building stood like a castle against the dark sky.  It was white and tall with a domed ceiling and a large staircase escalating up to the front doors.  He took a forced deep breath again and then another one. Derrick began to climb the steps, he could feel his heart racing in his chest and he thought to himself that this was the first time he had been able to feel in so long.  He reached the top of the steps and stopped to stare at the large wood doors before him.  The glass window in the door read “Hanover City Police.” He reached out his hand to the large brass handle.  The handle was cold against his hand and he almost pulled away, but he didn’t.  He knew what he had to do.  He repositioned his hand and pulled open the door.

A wave of warm air passed over him as he stepped into the room.  It was a small entry room that led into a long hall.  There was a small plant in the corner that was turning brown on the end of the leaves and curling over.  Step 1: He moved forward walking on the concrete floor toward the end of the hall.  He could hear his footsteps bouncing off of the walls as he stepped 2, 3, 4, 5, 6…  He could hear his breath slow and deep and could feel the pounding of his heart. For a brief moment,  step 15,  he stopped terrified at the decision he was making.  He wasn’t sure if this was what he should do.  He wasn’t sure if it would really change anything.  He looked back at the door and thought of the reason that he had come.  He thought of his two boys asleep, safe in their beds at home, and the life that they deserved.  He turned back around and continued to step.  He thought about placing one foot in front of the other, and nothing more.

At step 21, the end of the hall was a long desk with a bullet proof window separating the desk from the hallway.  Derrick looked at the desk to see a woman with gray hair pulled up in a bun.  She looked kind, like his grandma, with pudgy cheeks and soft hands.  She looked up at him and Derrick noticed that she had really deep blue eyes and nice teeth.

“Can I help you?” she said.

Derrick took a deep slow breath and looked her right in the eye, “I did it, I killed my wife” he said.