It has been said that women are moody, inconsistent, and certainly hard to read. I have taken classes and read many books on the differences between men and women. I have seen countless ideas and suggestions on how to better communicate and improve relationships. Much of them, I have found to be useful. Why is it then, that we as women are built this way? Why am I so moody? Why can’t I just make up my mind and stick with it?
I think I figured it out, well maybe…
The decision to be a stay at home mom was a very difficult one for me. I loved my job. I loved the people that I worked with and I loved challenging myself. I loved my children more. I found myself at work, wanting to be home. Needing to see their faces and know what they were doing. I felt displaced. So, my husband and I decided to take the jump and this is where I found that moodiness, can actually be a gift, dare I say, my survival. Luckily for me, he supports and understands me-no matter what.
Within a day I have found myself trying to walk just four steps across the kitchen, but failing to do so because of the small paperweight perfectly placed between my legs wrapping his chubby little meat clamps around my thighs. I have had to end a telephone conversation due to incessant crying of a tired baby or the ever present full fist shoved carelessly in my mouth(and down my shirt). I have had to peak out of the shower to put shoes on a doll, and been woken up 13 (+) times in one night because of a scary dream about a skeleton. I need a break. I need some time to myself. My husband offers that I go and do, and how do I respond…”It’s okay.” Why? Because even though I am about to pull the hair right out of my head, I love these sidekicks so much that even when I am away for just 2 minutes, the silence about chokes me.
I lost a dear friend recently. It made me sad for him, but the thing about loss, it also brings back every other loss that you have had and I couldn’t help but think of my mom. I miss her so much. The news came in the middle of the day. Just me and the sidekicks at home. I shed some tears and was encouraged by my sidekick number 1. She sings a pretty good “be happy” song, and then hands me a Barbie to play. I’m breaking on the inside, but this sweet little angelic soul just makes me the happiest mom in the whole world and I am overwhelmed with being blessed too. I feel them both, at the same time, and equally.
Cleaning the house often consists of sweep, sweep, “stay away from the doggie door,” sweep sweep, “oh no, not another spilled cup -stay off of the counters,” sweep sweep and so I find that at the end of the day, I am proud that I was able to sweep the whole floor, (even if the first half probably needs to be done again). It is an accomplishment. Go me! I had a shower, I swept the floor, and the kids are alive-I am the best mom in the whole wide world!! (someday’s that’s about it). Compare that to my previous job where I was accomplished, awarded, successful, and really felt that I mattered everyday. I may not even remember some of the techniques I once used when I finally return to work outside of the house. I traded all that for my sweeping success? Yes, yes I did, and I would do it all over again for those sweet smiles and “I love you”‘s, but I still miss it and sometimes want that too.
I have to be moody, because I am full of emotions. 100 different emotions battling inside me at any given moment. I need this ability. I need to be able to feel everything or I am afraid I would crumble. This is the gift of a woman. The gift of a mother. It is the reason that I am able to hold a crying baby in the middle of the night, covered in puke or diarrhea and think-“Thank you, God, for this blessing that is mine.” It is the only way that I spend 24 hours in a day in only the company of two sidekicks under 5 and say, “Please, bless them with safety that I can do this all over again tomorrow.” It’s the only way I can get up on only 4 hours of sleep and still smile and say, “Where’s my kiss princess, and I love my little man,” and mean it.
I have to be moody. I have to change my mind, because I am choosing someone else (my family) over my needs, and I want to, but sometimes it is a battle. By choosing their needs, they become mine. I am changing. I am so much more now, because of them and the choices I have made. If I didn’t have the ability to do this, inside of me, pre-wired, I wonder if I would have been able to make these decisions. Would I be good at this new job?
All at the same time: I want them to grow to be respectful, kind, and happy, but I want them to stay my tiny little kids too. I want them to learn to sleep through the night on their own, but I want them to still run to me when they have a nightmare. I want to take a weekend and get some peace and quiet, but I don’t want to miss a single important thing-like tucking them in at night. I want to read my own book, but I also want to see their faces when I tell them a story about a Llama. I want to still learn and grow and achieve, but I want to be the one to see them reach their next milestone. I am battling every day.
I am embracing my gifts and talents in very unique ways. I am seeing how things that once were a hindrance can play a role in my life. I am realizing more every day, as I watch the perfect souls of my children, how we are made, just…..as……we…..should…..be. I AM WOMAN (WO-MOM), HEAR ME ROAR!
Going forward, I will always carry in my pocket a penny and a quarter. The touch will remind me to embrace life and just breathe! I will always be ready for the next stipend that a wishing well requires, full of hope, patience, and just a little more calm.